Some days ago, I saw a post where a blogger wrote about her "flaws" that she has learned to love. That inspired me to want to do a similar post from a different angle. Today, I will be talking about how society taught me to hate myself.

This post is something I have been wanting to write for a long time but never had the strength to do. This subject will definitely have two parts because almost 10 years of self hate cannot be squeezed into one post. This post is about why I hated myself.

I grew up a happy child. My mum told me that I was a popular child in Wukari where I grew up. I have memories of having lots of friends, most of which were older than me. I was watching my 5th birthday party video some months ago and I noticed that I was also bossy lol.

Things started to change when I turned 6 I believe, we had a big move and I started living with my grandparents and extended family members (my mum was doing her masters and my dad was on a new career path). What exactly caused the change? I grew fat. I literally blew up. I had always had chubby cheeks so I guess the weight was bound to come eventually. Also, as a growing child, I ate everything put before me. My cousins and I ate the same meals but somehow I seemed to be the only one who grew fatter.

8/9 year old me

I kept growing over the years and then the name calling started. When I walked back home from school, the boys who played football in the area will stop playing and sing mean songs or point and laugh at me. At first, I brushed it off and went along with child like glee. But after some time, I started dreading the walk home and the humiliation I had to face. Adults didn't help either, almost everyone called me "fatty bum bum" and kept saying I was eating all the food in the house. I know they were teasing but these words were buried in my subconscious and replayed to me over the years.

Ever wonder why some girls can't go out without makeup? Read my post about loving your bareface here. 

Things definitely got worse when I got to boarding school. I was short, fat and yellow lol. I was definitely an easy target. Seniors picked on me, bullied me, poked jokes. My peers did the same. I remember one day some ss3 boys called me and just started laughing at me. I just wanted the world to open up and swallow me.

As puberty hit, acne set in and things got even worse. I was now a short fat yellow paw paw with pimples all over her face and some parts of her body.

I think I was 12/13 here

As my body started to fill out, I became even more self conscious of my image. People prescribed all sorts of remedies for my acne and weight. No one ever told me I was beautiful. The ages of 11-14 were probably my worst and darkest years. I contemplated bulimia (eating and then forcing myself to vomit the food after so I could still eat but not add weight). I hated seeing my body in the mirror. I remember a boy in my class once told me that I have the potential to be a figure 8 but at the rate I was going, I will only be a figure 0 (just round and shapeless basically). Also, a boy in my class decided it will be fun to call me "snake bite" which is apparently a popular football move. He said my walking step resembled the football move. Other classmates joined in and mimicked the walking step/football move when I came around or walked by. Most times I laughed it off but it hurt so deep inside.

Sometimes you just feel discontent with life. Read about how I deal with discontentment here. 

This was when I began loud, extra friendly and a people pleaser. I just wanted to be liked by both girls and boys. I hoped it will fill a void and a need for validation but it never did.

15 year old me

At the ages of 15-18, I wore American size 14-18. I was mostly a size 16 though. I tried dieting, starving, nothing worked. I didn't eat more than normal people but somehow, I just kept adding weight.

So I decided to set up a defence mechanism. I acted like I didn't care what people said about how I look. At first it was an act, but then I really started to not care. But the truth is, I still didn't love myself, I was just indifferent.

I was 16 here

I let myself be vulnerable in this post and I hope someone relates to it somehow. Did you ever struggle with your image and self esteem when you were younger? Leave a comment for me. 

My next post will be how I overcame self hatred. See you in my next post, xoxo.

Related: My journey to self love: dealing with self hate (part 2) 

I will give thanks and praise to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.

PSALM 139:14 AMP